Time seems to be passing by so swiftly and I often find myself in its wake, just the tail end blurring my vision with heat, light and air, kind of like standing on the side of fast moving traffic. Europe a distant memory of feelings and experience, tucked away in the recesses of mind and space, was I there, did it really happened? Perhaps I need another break. Running has been sporadic, my body trying hard to move but my mind is so slow that by the time it gives my legs the signal to move forward it is too late and the sun is either down or too high so as to be to hot to move.
Much has happened since I got back. The girls are in school and I find that I'm still adjusting to all the newness of this life. Never had I dropped my children at school and driven away. I smiled and blessed each as they got out of the car and I drove away with longing refusing to look at the rear view mirror, I think I can begin to understand Lot's wife. I ended at the park and ran 12 miles where my sweat mixed with my tears and after two long hours my body felt cleansed and my spirit renewed. I have no doubt that this is best for all. Long gone are my home school days, I'm no longer a housewife. No tragedy here just newness.
Now comes the task of filling my days. I'll be teaching High School Spanish at a school for home schoolers and working with the Child Abuse Prevention Program in Pickens County, with The First Steps Program, helping mothers with the first 3 months of the life of their new baby. All this will occupy my mind and heart as there is no greater joy than seeing new life. I love teens, their lives just before them full of possibilities and for someone who feels like the best has passed, this is a gift. Perhaps my perception of the future will change and I'll begin to see that I'm moving into a different season just as fulfiling as the last. My heart and mind cannot comprehend such truths, it's like looking at advanced calculus, a mystery.
The girls exitment is contagious. The long drive home is full of laughter and stories of the day. Carmel is running Cross Country, giving her a connection to her dad. Her mind is now filled with the things that freshmen think about, friends and homework instead of lifting the weight off my weary shoulders. She is very protective of me, a little lioness doing as much as she can to ease my sadness, too much responsibility for an almost 14 year old. The other two are now coming home tired and sleeping deep and peaceful, something they had been struggling with since Ron's death. We will continue to make plans for the future and fill our days with life, not the old life but a new one.
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Dearest Mari,
You are at a new stage, Our Heavenly Father will reward you for being patient while your new days ahead come. "Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise" (Hebrews 10:35-36)
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