Jazz

I have been waking late lately, not used to finding light and heat upon opening my eyes my body seems to be disoriented with the late morning radiance. I feel as if I have been missing something important, forgetfulness constantly pouncing on my thoughts, something always out of reach but what it is I can't seem to grasp. Is my mind getting foggier just when my world is getting brighter? I have had to make quite a few big decisions lately...where to place the girls in school, finding a job close to their school. I feel I'm overlooking something important, something significant. My body is finally wanting to sleep and I often wonder if it wants to wake up at all. I try to will myself to wakefulness, setting several alarms, not covering the birds so they'll sing the sunrise to life, yet my body does not hear, every night sinking so deep in sleep that it doesn't even dream. Long gone are the sleepless nights now replaced by groggy mornings and slow long days. My energy is low, my body feels like it's walking under water and my mind cannot grasp the sunshine above the surface.

Music has awaken my heart. Jazz music no less, this is a new awakening for me. When I could not hear anything but the deep longing of my heart, the hush whispers of a long ago life, now all I want to hear is the trumpet sound of Chris Botti and the mellow deep voice of Diane Krall. Jazz is new to me, I didn't know poetry and music could blend together such sounds as to squeeze my heart so tight that tears fall unnoticed. Amaris took me to a concert and the music surprised me, I didn't expect my hearing to be restored under the moonlit night of an amphitheater. We two sat close together eating fruit, bread and cheese, when the first melody hit my heart, deeply peeling away the scabs of loss and silence. My body froze in amazement and I let the music do its work, it was painfully good, I laid my head on the blanket and looked at the stars and the bats darting to and fro as if in tune with the haphazard melody coming from the piano. Then I realized that my life has been like the jazz music I was listening to, darting here and there and settling no where but dancing to a melody I could not yet hear. I was happy when it ended and could not sleep for hours. Unable to explain the glow that accompanied my heart or the music that was still echoing in my mind. When I came home the music was here waiting, in the car as I went to work, in the house as I made dinner for the girls, but what was more surprising was that it lulled me to sleep the deep sleep of satisfaction, contentment, and perhaps a little forgetfulness.