My Body

My body seems to be making decisions on its own, making up its mind on how it'll handle change. After Ron's death it decided to stop eating and sleeping even though I begged for rest, it decided to fade into the pain, to blend with the grief, to ignore all the cues that would keep it alive as if choosing to follow them to death. It has taken a monumental effort to contradict it's decision. I have had to be reminded to eat. Carmel on the constant lookout for eaten power bar wrappers and making smoothies when even chewing seemed a chore. Her first question when I picked her up from school, before I could even get in a "Hi", was, "What did you have for lunch?" and if I couldn't remember she would shake her head and say, "Mom, you got to eat!" and be mad at me until she saw me eat some dinner. I began to make a greater effort, mainly because I hated to upset her. I needed her to talk to me. So before she asked I would tell her, "Today I had a turkey sandwich," "Really?" "Well, only half but it was good." And she would smile and tell me about her day. For a while I had to make an effort to remember, for Carmel, but soon I didn't have to remind myself, my body remembered and soon Carmel stopped asking. One day I asked why she didn't ask anymore and she looked at me deeply and said, "Cause I don't need to." "What makes you say that?" and like a teenager she said, "I don't know." That night after I undressed I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time and was surprised by what I saw...curves that weren't there before. My ribs weren't protruding and the bones in my spine were hidden by a healthy layer of muscle, my legs have definition and look stronger. I sat down and cried...silly but what my body told me I was not ready to hear. My body decided to move on, to live without him, to make this the new normal. Well, I wanted to scream "It's NOT normal!" My heart and mind don't want to let go. I feel betrayed! If my body is moving on, why not the rest of me, how can I be left behind? I don't want to hold on to this sadness forever, but I realize that I'm a bit attached to it, as if letting go means that I'm letting go of myself. What else will I loose? My heart is torn, my mind is confused but my body has finally entered reality and has welcomed the new life. I hope I can soon follow.....