Death Certificate

The death certificate is here! How am I suppose to react? Happy that we can now move to the next step of clearing financial matters? My heart cringes, this is it....final, the paper that irrevocably confirms what I have been living...He's gone, dead...Now his death has been filed and certified, officiated by the Jacksonville ME. What I know to be painfully true is going to be evidently true to the IRS, Social Security and IBM, all accounts can go to probate, all insurances can be claimed and we can move on to our new financial status of widow with dependent children. Oh my it all sounds so horrid, when all I want is his body next to mine at night. I need him inside and out.

This too I must face and learn and do. I have spent the last three hours with financial consultants and they are not only going to help manage his legacy, but they are going to educate his widow. All this is new to me, the last time I managed money was in my teens, before I met him and it was so little and so long ago. I'm embarrassed that I know nothing and afraid that I'm to ignorant and old to miss something important. Lord I trust you with our finances, help my mind to comprehend.

I must watch the mail for tax stuff and bills and accounts. I'm this 1940's house wife in the year 2007! I'm learning what it cost him to support us. As I learn I realize how much he loved us and indulged us. He managed very little in relationship to how much family he had, five children, mom and I. My husband, my friend, my provider. The picture of his character and humility is slowly being painted as I see his finances, hear from his boss and coworkers and contacts I knew nothing about. Who was this man I loved? I love him even more now that I know him better. I rather remain ignorant and love him less but have him by my side.

Some nights I can't sleep, others I can't wake up and would rather sleep all day. My body feels awkward on me, like wearing a new dress, unfit and uncomfortable. I remember when Naomi died, I didn't recognize myself in the mirror...so much change. Now is the same, the lines on my face have gotten deeper, my hands wrinkled and cold, my body hugs my bones, holding on to the only thing that feels solid and firm. My eyes are deep and dark and my mouth saddened by death, seldom smiles. Who am I becoming? Can I stand more changes? Will I ever be comfortable with this new me? Tomorrow I must pick up the death certificate and begin the process of claiming benefits. Every step takes me closer to independence and further away form him. I'm always moving away from what I love and find comfort in....closer to Him.
Lord you truly are my refuge.