My Body

My body seems to be making decisions on its own, making up its mind on how it'll handle change. After Ron's death it decided to stop eating and sleeping even though I begged for rest, it decided to fade into the pain, to blend with the grief, to ignore all the cues that would keep it alive as if choosing to follow them to death. It has taken a monumental effort to contradict it's decision. I have had to be reminded to eat. Carmel on the constant lookout for eaten power bar wrappers and making smoothies when even chewing seemed a chore. Her first question when I picked her up from school, before I could even get in a "Hi", was, "What did you have for lunch?" and if I couldn't remember she would shake her head and say, "Mom, you got to eat!" and be mad at me until she saw me eat some dinner. I began to make a greater effort, mainly because I hated to upset her. I needed her to talk to me. So before she asked I would tell her, "Today I had a turkey sandwich," "Really?" "Well, only half but it was good." And she would smile and tell me about her day. For a while I had to make an effort to remember, for Carmel, but soon I didn't have to remind myself, my body remembered and soon Carmel stopped asking. One day I asked why she didn't ask anymore and she looked at me deeply and said, "Cause I don't need to." "What makes you say that?" and like a teenager she said, "I don't know." That night after I undressed I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time and was surprised by what I saw...curves that weren't there before. My ribs weren't protruding and the bones in my spine were hidden by a healthy layer of muscle, my legs have definition and look stronger. I sat down and cried...silly but what my body told me I was not ready to hear. My body decided to move on, to live without him, to make this the new normal. Well, I wanted to scream "It's NOT normal!" My heart and mind don't want to let go. I feel betrayed! If my body is moving on, why not the rest of me, how can I be left behind? I don't want to hold on to this sadness forever, but I realize that I'm a bit attached to it, as if letting go means that I'm letting go of myself. What else will I loose? My heart is torn, my mind is confused but my body has finally entered reality and has welcomed the new life. I hope I can soon follow.....

Affliction

"An old Puritan said that if you go into the woods and are very quiet, you will not know whether there is a partridge, or a pheasant, or a rabbit in it. But when you move or make a noise, you soon see the living creatures. They rise or they run. When affliction comes into your soul and makes a disturbance and breaks your peace, your graces rise. Faith comes out of hiding and love leaps from its secret place."
C. H. Spurgeon

I love the last sentence in this paragraph..."love leaps from its secret place." The word leaps gives me the feeling of energy and intensity. Leap means action, to spring free. Love that springs free from the depth of Christ. Amazing! What I feel is affliction what He gives is active, energetic love, love that leaps like Tigger in the darkness of the Hundred Acre Woods. He continues to amaze me with His intensity, there is nothing passive about Christ. It is in my suffering that God has stated and demonstrated His great compassion.

Today, in this very moment I feel His love leaping into the depth of my heart. I can see my storm is passing leaving me once again in peaceful surrender.

Resilience

Resilience: the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused by compressive stress; an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.

Someone commented on the resiliency of my daughters and it caused me to look up the true meaning of the word. I don't know if I truly understood what they meant by such a comment, do you, after experiencing so much change, go back to the same life as before? To fully understand I had to go back to the word recover, and its meanings. The one that applies best to our experience is "to save from loss and restore to usefulness." I can say He is in the process of restoring back to usefulness. God saved us from the loss of Ron, He has not allowed us to drown in our own grief and sadness and is faithfully restoring us back to life. I don't think we'll ever be as we once were, but it's true, children are resilient. We are so surprise when we see children recover from the most traumatic of situations, for we adults tend to hold on to grievances, taking them out again and again when things don't go our way, using them as a ready excuse for our lack of discipline. Children take these things as part of life, we are unique in America that adversity and suffering are rare, but in most of the world, children are expose to life challenges early on. I grew up surrounded by human misery, beggars and deformed people on the streets, starving animals waiting to pray on small unattended children, famine and death, war and pestilence and these things didn't weaken or impeded my growth, in fact they made me stronger and more determined to rise above it and do something about it. No wonder I became a teacher and social worker, then when God called me, I was willing to go where He sent me. These experiences are what makes me who I am, what He so gently used to mold my heart and as I continue in this road I see He's not quite done. My daughters are no different. Loss has changed them forever, their hearts are more compassionate, their faith a little stronger, their complete surrender unhindered by logic and free to trust the One who holds our future. This change is painful, but change without pain is not truly real change. There is a steep price to be paid for the most valuable lessons in life, those are the ones that permanently mold our future, the ones that never leave us, that direct our decisions and embark us in the road less traveled. It is true my daughters are resilient, but is there less resiliency as we age? Have I reached my limit of being able to adjust to misfortune or change? Again I am at a loss when it comes to my ability to adapt and my life continues to surprise even me. I have come to understand that this is not about me but about Him, for His glory and His eternal purpose. When I began to see it that way a big burden was lifted off my shoulders for it's not how much I can take, obviously I'm weak, but how much He can take in me, so resiliency is not something that only children can experience. The true life of a believer is defined by our resiliency to His continual molding and shaping...isn't that what sanctification is all about? This is a journey in which I become more and more useful to Him who guides my steps and holds my future.

Senses

I am now finding life more arresting, feeling it with ferocity, every little experience monumental and intoxicating, as if I'm living in a world of giants and even the almost non existing smell of the ground is overwhelming. Why are my senses so acute, why do they hold me hostage, not only to my present but to my past? I have always experienced life thru my senses only leaving out sight. Many a nights I laid in my bedroom with my eyes closed tightly, listening to angry voices outside the door, smelling alcohol pouring out of my stepfather's pores, feeling the dampness of sweat in the hot and humid hours of the early dawn, engaging my mind in the ferocious act of trying to make the moment not real just because I failed to see it with my own eyes. Now I find myself facing my present with the same aggressive feelings, if only I close my eyes tightly to this maybe it's not real, but I can smell loneliness, taste the coolness of my tears, feel the presence of nostalgia in my every movement and hear sadness in every beat of my heart. I feel like a Russian character trapped in a very long novel in Siberia...cold and exhausted.

My Storms

Grieving is like being in the open ocean on a very small boat at first, so small that you feel every little movement of the water, every ripple, every wave, making you dizzy and disoriented. Then as you move along in this mass of deep water your legs become accustomed to the rhythm of the ocean and you only feel the bigger waves. Soon you exchange the little boat for a bigger one and the movement is less noticeable coupled with the fact that you're used to the water and soon you feel only the biggest of waves, but you're still traveling in this mass of water without destination and subjected to the storms the earth generates. I expect them now, when the waters have been calm for a while I know a storm is brewing and I anticipate the gale force of wind and water in my horizon. These past two days I have been bearing a storm, my emotions are as unpredictable as the waves, the force of each drowning my common sense, just tossing me around and beating up my body. The reason for each storm is still a mystery to me. What triggers the wind to hit my face and the water to almost drown me could be anything, I'm always on the alert yet each time it happens I'm unprepared. I have learned to just face each with complete surrender and let the force of my emotions exhaust me. I have tried to bear down and stop it but I'm tired and I just surrender with infinite patience for I know that eventually they will subside and I'll have rest. I'm done analyzing grief, and have just accepted it. Every one has an opinion but until you have been on that boat you can't give advice from the safety of land. Climb in this boat with me and just hold me while the storm rages on and passes. Courage is something like patience, it can only be exercise in the most uncomfortable moments in life. Soon land will be within my sight but for the moment I'm bearing down another storm, knowing this won't be the last and hoping I can have the courage to persevere.

In The Company of Women

I had a dream last night that cause me to wake up laughing. I don't remember any details or images all I remember is feelings, noise and texture. Funny how the mind works, specially mine, me being so moved by my senses. I tried to remember but all that lingered was the smell of mint tea and sugar and the feeling of having been in the company of women. That satisfying feeling I get when I hang up the phone after having a long conversation with a much loved girlfriend. Perhaps widows seek the company of women, not just for comfort but to have somebody to talk to about the mundane things of being a woman, the laundry and kids teachers, frizzy hair and our weight. Silly how those tidbits of nothing fill us so deeply.

When I visited California I needed the companionship of my girlfriends. They opened their arms and homes to me. They took me out shopping for my first pair of high heel shoes, one shared her hard kept beauty secrets (which I promised not to reveal!) and another took me out for drinks after encouraging me to buy a pair of tight fitting jeans and sexy underwear, telling me that what I wear underneath will boost my confidence and make me feel young and sexy. It worked! They made me throw out my mommy underclothes and gave me a lesson on bras and all they can accomplish no matter what size you are. They reminded me that though I feel old and worn, I'm not. That there is a lot of young desiring me left behind making me blush and laugh at the same time. Even though I don't remember my dream I'm glad I was visited last night and for a little while I was surrounded by my friends.

Newness of Life

Time seems to be passing by so swiftly and I often find myself in its wake, just the tail end blurring my vision with heat, light and air, kind of like standing on the side of fast moving traffic. Europe a distant memory of feelings and experience, tucked away in the recesses of mind and space, was I there, did it really happened? Perhaps I need another break. Running has been sporadic, my body trying hard to move but my mind is so slow that by the time it gives my legs the signal to move forward it is too late and the sun is either down or too high so as to be to hot to move.

Much has happened since I got back. The girls are in school and I find that I'm still adjusting to all the newness of this life. Never had I dropped my children at school and driven away. I smiled and blessed each as they got out of the car and I drove away with longing refusing to look at the rear view mirror, I think I can begin to understand Lot's wife. I ended at the park and ran 12 miles where my sweat mixed with my tears and after two long hours my body felt cleansed and my spirit renewed. I have no doubt that this is best for all. Long gone are my home school days, I'm no longer a housewife. No tragedy here just newness.

Now comes the task of filling my days. I'll be teaching High School Spanish at a school for home schoolers and working with the Child Abuse Prevention Program in Pickens County, with The First Steps Program, helping mothers with the first 3 months of the life of their new baby. All this will occupy my mind and heart as there is no greater joy than seeing new life. I love teens, their lives just before them full of possibilities and for someone who feels like the best has passed, this is a gift. Perhaps my perception of the future will change and I'll begin to see that I'm moving into a different season just as fulfiling as the last. My heart and mind cannot comprehend such truths, it's like looking at advanced calculus, a mystery.

The girls exitment is contagious. The long drive home is full of laughter and stories of the day. Carmel is running Cross Country, giving her a connection to her dad. Her mind is now filled with the things that freshmen think about, friends and homework instead of lifting the weight off my weary shoulders. She is very protective of me, a little lioness doing as much as she can to ease my sadness, too much responsibility for an almost 14 year old. The other two are now coming home tired and sleeping deep and peaceful, something they had been struggling with since Ron's death. We will continue to make plans for the future and fill our days with life, not the old life but a new one.