A Visit

It seems like my body is stuck like a broken record that won't move past a certain line of music, to wake at the same time of the early morning every day. My eyes open and I look at the clock across the couch, I have taken to sleeping in the family room, less heavy breathing there, and I can already guess the time, 2:30 am. I want to be unstuck! Go back to sleep and wake up at a normal hour like maybe five...but here I am tired of fighting my body because it doesn't listen so I give in to it like a mother given into the tantrums of a two year old.

Yesterday Carmel and I visited Amaris and sat at a coffee house for hours on a big L shape couch talking. We picked her up at the school gym after crew practice and surprised her with spring rolls and chocolate. So we had tea and ate dark chocolate covered pretzels and graham crackers and laughed and cried together as if we were alone instead of in a crowded coffee house. Our voices rose and fell like the tide on a full moon. We talked about everything, about school, boys and men and even sex, marriage, theirs and mine, past and present and even contemplated the future. It is easy to think of the future when you are at the verge of yours, but I feel like mine is at impasse, awaiting an unpredictable turn. Then we talked about love and the words of Longfellow came to mind..."First love or last love, which of these two passions is more omnipotent? Which is more fair? The star of morning, or the evening star? The sunrise or the sunset of the heart? The hour when we look forth to the unknown and the advancing day consumes the shadows--or that when all the landscape of our lives lies stretched behind us, and familiar places gleam in the distance, and sweet memories..." Their words about love were fresh and inexperienced, full of life and expectations, and mine were filled with memories, rich and heavy, scented with His grace, molded by gentle touch. I caught their attention and they listened well, and we cried not just for me and dad but for love.

I must try again and quiet this tantrum of my mind and seek some rest.