Empty Spaces

Books inspire me. They fill me with anticipation and excitement, they comfort me and make me less lonely, less lost, less sad. Not just their content by their smell and feel. There is a world of possibilities in a very small book store that reaches beyond simple geography. I sit in the children's section at Borders surrounded by books and toys. The voices of mothers reading to their little ones in the background and children asking questions fill this space and I quietly sit unnoticed like the invisible woman in a congested subway station and I like it.

I have left home and the girls behind. They are spending the weekend with friends, escaping life and sadness to feed a miniature horse and play with kittens and dogs. I know they will love this even my older one who wasn't so sure when I left them. We are slowly moving away from our old life to the new. When we come home on Sunday he will not be there. All his things have been put away and the house is ours now to fill with our lives. It will take some adjusting but these pains will move us forward. We have chosen life and this is the first step towards that glorious life He has planned for us. This is the road less traveled. Not many have walked this way, it feels like the night before going on a trip to unfamiliar places, a mixed of excitement and fear.

I spent the night in Atlanta at a friend's loft. She was a bit under the weather and I got to hang out with her husband. I thought it would be awkward, after all I haven't been around another man since Ron died. But it was fun and relaxing. We walked to a Persian restaurant had wine with a good meal and talked. I felt like an adult for the first time...drinking without my husband. In the morning we ran eight miles at a comfortable pace talking the whole time. I didn't know how much I had to say about other things beside death. It made me realize that I don't want to be defined by what I've lost but by what I've gained in the process.

This was also the first time I slept alone since Ron died. The girls have been sleeping with me and will probably continue to do so until they feel life is a bit safer, a bit more secure. I bet the last two nights they clung to each other for comfort. They hold on to what they love lest they lose it forever like their sister and their dad. Last night the bed was mine and I didn't feel alone for the first time. Even at home with a little one on each side I feel lonely and cold in bed. Last night I was warm and slept deeply (it could have been the wine!) I awaken rested and ready to run.

Later I had breakfast with my son and as I listened I realize how much I need to get to know him better. Jonathan is a young man filled with passion for God. I got a glimpse of this this morning, saw it in his eyes, heard it in his voice. Ron knew this and encourage and nurtured this passion in our son. It is God's gift to want to glorify Him so completely. So I sat and listened and shared what was going on in my heart during this season. When we parted we understood each other better and loved each other more. As he left he looked into my eyes and told me something I had not heard another man say to me in the last three months, "Mom, you're beautiful." This brought tears to my eyes and satisfied my heart in an unexpected way. God is slowly filling the empty spaces of my heart just as we will fill the empty spaces in our home.